As most of you know I have been on a weight loss journey my entire freaking life. It has been a constant battle for me and even though I really eat good, it seems to come off slloowww. I swear on my grave, it will say,”She tried really hard to lose weight.”
I seem to really pack it on when I am doing disaster work. It’s a lot of stress and not so great places to eat or what you have to choose from. Medically I have nothing wrong that I am aware of , I do have a bit of insulin resistance and maybe a touch of adrenal fatigue which I know doesn’t help much.
I am not a huge exerciser so I know I can improve in that area. The clip below had me crying because I was laughing so hard. This is how you feel when you are really trying hard to be good. My issue is actually not will-power, I have a ton of it when I set my mind to something but when I don’t see results after a while that I think I should be having, it makes me want to give up.
I started this 21 day to weight loss journey book with Marianne Williamson. It talks about the inner issues that go along with your distorted view of yourself and your weight. I am only on day 4 but I have had a few dreams about my mom. I sat down this morning and looked at it symbolically.
See my mom was super thin her entire life, which was difficult for me because I was a bigger girl. She got up every day and exercised and she tried to eat good, as well as she could back then but my mom had this terrible mindset about being perfect or what that should look like. I realized this morning that as I knew I have carried it with me, I didn’t know how deep it ran.
The dream I had was about my mom trying to take all my clothes that I didn’t fit in and she was going on a date. I was super pissed in the dream and I didn’t want her to take them. I said, “STOP taking my clothes, I will eventually fit in them again.” She just ignored me, got ready and left. She also left her mickey mouse watch. A little back story, when I was younger, I had no money and was trying to support myself and Ryan. It was really hard because I had no support and I could not buy gifts for Birthdays and Christmases, I always felt guilty. One year I had money and I bought my mom this watch from Disney. I was so proud because I had extra money to buy her something and I understood this morning that a lot of your self-worth is tied up into whether you are able to support yourself and those you love.
A few things stuck out about the dream. My mother coming for one, self value was another and thirdly that I was really trying hard to keep these clothes that didn’t fit anymore. I was angry in fact. Pissed that she could fit in them and I couldn’t. Kinda of how you feel when others seem to lose weight easily and you are busting your ass and get a pound..
One of the exercises in this book is you have to write a letter to your fat self and a letter to your thin one. I did that yesterday and this is what came out:
My Dear Fatness-
Why oh why do you enjoy tormenting me? I would love to not worry about taking care of you. Watching what you eat because I am afraid you are going to gain more weight. You suck joy from my life with your stupid issues that won’t budge, no matter what I do to try and change you. What is the problem because try as I might, I cannot figure out what your deal is- I mean seriously. You are hindering my growth and my life. In my mind’s eye, I am not this overweight person. I am light, flexible, beautiful and creative. Not fat, unmovable and heavy. Please, please, please tell me what it’s going to take to get you back down to size.
The Thin One
To the want to be thin one:
Much of my life I have spent protecting, taking care of and stuffing the emotions of you. I didn’t start carrying weight always. It used to be fun to release weight. There was a purpose. Now what is the point? Why do you want me to be thin? What is it worth? More heartache, more regret and more pain. More pain to feel from shame and embarrassment that you had to deal with pretty much your entire life. If I stay fat I can buffer that. I can cushion the weight of the pain and the fear of life. The blows won’t knock me over. I can stand stronger. I can feel more grounded and can handle others energies. When you are thin, you allow others to use and abuse you. You only think your beautiful if your thin. Until you learn to stand up and realize this truth, I will remain for eternity.
How do you like them apples?
I would highly recommend doing this to understand what is running amok in your mind. It’s really important you let yourself just write. Whatever comes out. It might not be very pretty or politically correct. You don’t get to the truth without telling it. As you can see above, I have some digging to do. My conscious self is not aligned with my subconscious one. It is not up with the times or all the work I have done. My subconscious is stuck in this area. It needs to be thawed, heard and healed.
This is how you look at things that are stuck within you. You have to dig and ask questions. Sometimes there is a disconnect that needs to be connected again. A part of you that is separate due to life lessons and fear. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Disgust. All those emotions that we act like don’t bother us but inside and deep down they do. Then they build up over time like a wall. A wall of protection. We need a wall of love.
My mom did her best that she knew at that time. Just like I am. She gave me a lot of good traits and some bad ones. Perfectionism will never allow you to feel accomplished at anything because there is always something that won’t be good enough. It’s a double- edged sword. One way it makes you strive to be the best and the other is, it won’t allow you to accept and love yourself the way you are. There has to be balance and this is what I am pondering on this Sunday, where are you stuck?……xoxo