This last week has been a whirl wind for me, I have traveled to Idaho and then to Denver and then back to Nebraska.
I am reluctant to say “home”, you see I do not feel that Nebraska is my home, it just doesn’t feel like it.
I have been struggling with this fact for a few months now, it all started when I needed to change my license plates last year, I kept them in Colorado because I was only supposed to be here for a year or so and then we were moving back.
I had to go change my license a few weeks ago because it was expiring, and had to give up my Colorado one, another example that I actually have to stay here.
I know this may seem silly to you but when you have had a hard time finding roots within yourself, you really want to stay in the place that feels like home to you.
When I drive into Denver, there is a shift in me, I get happier, I am upbeat and my whole attitude changes, it seems like when I hit the border. When I am in Nebraska, I find everything wrong. I am resisting what is, my little mini whining me comes out.
I was born and raised in Colorado. Some of my closet friends are there and when I am in Nebraska I miss things,things like friends, places and “real” grocery stores.
It is not like I do not have friends here but it is a totally different way of life down here and sometimes I feel like I just don’t fit in.
This week when I was in Colorado, I sat down with a friend that I hadn’t seen in 6 months, this friend is someone who when I met, it was one of those feelings like I had known them before. I value his words, he gives me great in site and probable doesn’t even realize it.
I was whining about how things were different here and I felt like I was missing the city and he says” What exactly are you missing”? I answered ” I miss the buzz of the city, the culture, the shops, the food and my friends”.
He answers and says” All of those things you can have anywhere but when you have to be with yourself, you really grow,learn and since you have moved, I have seen a change in you and it has been one for the better, you have accomplished a lot and you have a goal now where before you did not, it has made you focus on yourself”
Then he says to me” There is nothing for you here, you are moving to bigger and better things and being in Nebraska has helped you do this for yourself”
Who would have thought I had Yoda for my friend…..How lucky am I ?
After our conversation I left and I did not want to, I want to stay and keep enjoying our time together but I realized this is life, you get moments of growth, then you sit until you can move again and luckily along the way you have friends that tell you exactly what you need to hear for your growth.
Then you have to move on.
If you try to stay in a situation that you have outgrown, it is painful and stints your growth, you cannot go back, you have to keep moving forward.
You only get this life to do something, your body dies but what you leave with your spirit remains.
I hope that I am leaving something for people to help themselves, to love themselves and to heal their hearts.
This is my purpose here, to heal hearts, just as I heal mine a little more everyday with people who are close to me, who teach you lessons, who reflect back to you, your weaknesses and strengths. Your husband, your family and your friends.
I love my life, I am grateful for everything in it, I just need to let go of things/people who do not serve me in my growth at this time and this is ok, it is ok for me to move on, I do not need to feel guilt, I can release these things with love that have served me so well, including Colorado….
The things that need to stay will….let go and keep moving, do not get stuck in the glamour of earthy things or side-tracked with selfish desires. Stay on purpose, on your goals that God has for you.
Last night I was outside with the medicine wheel and the fireflies are coming out, these are crazy little bugs that fly around and their body lights up and then turns off.
This is how Spirit uses people, places, animals and things, it lights up to give you a moment of clarity in your time of need, when you can’t see things for yourself or you are getting off your path.
Sean, thanks for being my firefly….and to all my other “relations” thank you for being there with me on my path , I love you…..xoxo